Friday, September 30, 2011

My Heart Hurt

I made a trip back home to support a dear friend of mine. Sadly, her dad passed away Wednesday September 21, 2011. This was the first funeral I was going to attend since my own Mom's....I was....nervous. I didn't know if I would be able to compose myself and be there for her in such a time of need, but I soon realized that although I inevitably thought of my Mom and how much I missed her, my friend was my main concern. My heart literally ached for my friend. It made me so incredibly sad and heartbroken to have to see her go through such a hurt and loss that I knew all to well. I wanted to be able to take her pain away so she would not have to feel the emptiness and loss of losing a parent. You know the saying "my heart hurt", my Mom's death was the first time that I truly "KNEW" what that meant. It literally meant MY HEART HURT. I wished more than anything that my friend did not have to feel that hurt.


Thursday, September 1, 2011

Western Nebraska Here We Come

Awww...finally a sigh of relief. Brett has started a new job as an agronomist with Westco in Alliance, NE. We are hoping to close on a house around the beginning of October and maybe...just maybe we will be able to settle down again.

We sure are blessed to have such a wonderful family. My dad took us in for about 6 weeks when we took the plunge and moved back to Nebraska from Missouri and now my mother/father-in-law are letting us invade their home for about 6 weeks. Now it's just the hastle of all the things that go along with moving.

And so...a new chapter is now opened!!

Friday, July 22, 2011


Once again it has been way too long since I sat down and rambled on, whether to vent or to talk to myself in a somewhat discrete way.
Unfortunately, Brett is still at his same job and is still hoping for the right opportunity to come along so we can finally try to "settle" down again. He does have some hopeful opportunities out there, we are just waiting. Both of us have been dealing with the "limbo" stage and our patience. I struggle with it much more than him, but I must give myself credit...I do much better now than I ever have. we just continue to pray and.....WAIT....YUCK.

Saturday, April 23, 2011

Your Hands by JJ Heller sung and played by me

Shortly after my mom passed, a dear friend thought I might like this song...and she was right. From the first time I heard this song, I connected with it on so many levels. I have planned on doing something like this and finally yesterday afternoon when both girls were sleeping, I decided to grab my camera and guitar and headed to my stair-well...pressed record and here's what you get. Nothing professional, but definitely has feeling and emotion. Nothing more needs to be said really :)

Sunday, April 10, 2011


Today is April 10th. A day that will always be remembered by me, as well as so many other people. It's the day my Mom passed away. The day my life changed forever. The day my heart literally hurt. And...the day my Mom's pain went away.

April 10, 2010 was one year year ago. It just doesn't seem possible to me. Still, one year later I find myself almost daily having the urge to pick up the phone and tell her all the new things my girls are doing. Jade's walking. Libby's growing up to be such a little girl.

So today I not only morn the loss of my Mom, but I celebrate what a wonderful, beautiful, and special person she was.

Thursday, March 24, 2011

Day at the Farm

Libby had been begging us to go to the Farm to see the cows...and "Papa and Uncle John". These two big guys are the bulls and Libby was so excited because she was able to pet them.

Libby and uncle John getting out of the cold wind with front row seats to all the baby calves. She would probably stay at the farm forever if we let her.

Thursday, March 17, 2011

Happy Birthday Grandma Annie

Some of the grandkids let off balloons for Grandma Annie's Birthday. It was quite comical. Michaela and I were worried that they would let go of the balloons before we got any pictures of them, but much to our surprise we couldn't get them to let go. I guess we should have given them to Jade (the youngest). Finally, they were released and the wind blew them away...right into the trees, but it was a very special moment for all.

The pinwheel was a hit with the kids. Cash used it to hit the balloons and Libby just kept taking it out of the ground.

Friday, March 11, 2011

Struggles Within

For as long as I can remember I have always been sure of one thing...I wanted to be a Mom. Not only a Mom, but a stay-at-home Mom. I was finally given that opportunity when we packed up and moved from Kansas City back to Nebraska last Fall. So why is it that after just 6 1/2 months of it, I'm thinking it's time to go back to work?

I have been struggling with these feelings now for about a month or so and I've tried to figure out what exactly is behind it all. Maybe it't because it's been cold and dreary (Winter) and I have been cooped up inside. Maybe it's the constant interaction with an almost 3 year old and an almost 1 year old, and the lack of interaction with adults. Or that my husband is worthless when he gets home because waking up at 2:00 and 3:00 am for work and returning at 5:00 or even 6:00 pm is starting to wear on him, but the job market just sucks. Or maybe it's the fact that I just can't stand to hear myself yell at my kids all day long....or at least what feels like all day long to me. Maybe it's all of those things together or maybe I don't have it figured out, but something has to change.

For the past month I have gone back and forth from wanting to stay at home, to wanting to return to work. Some days I would literally change the way I felt a hundred times. One thing is for sure. Being a stay-at-home mom is the by far the most challenging job I have encountered. And although there is no monetary exchange for all your hours and hard work, one thing can't be found at any other job.....precious, unforgettable time with my girls. And even after saying that, and truly feeling I can never get as much fullfillment in my life as time spent with my kids, I still think I want to return to work. Your guess is as good as mine.

Thursday, March 3, 2011

Remembering....February 2010

February 2010 was the last time I saw my mom. I was approximately 6 weeks from my due-date with Jade and we traveled to my brother and sister-in-law's house to spend some family time. Wish I would have known it was the last time I would see my mom....I would have taken pictures, but I didn't. I would have imbedded each and every comment and memory of that day in my mind...I would have hugged her harder and much much much longer.

I remember so many things about that day and I know I hugged her with my entire heart because I did that everytime I saw her. We all sat around and played a game, which took hours of course. I don't recall what the game was called, but it had something to do with writing down the first thing that came to mind. I remember we were supposed to write down what we would name our monster if we had one and my mom and I both wrote down the same thing. I can't recall 100%, but I am 99% sure that we both wrote down Harry. It's funny that out of everything that probably went on that day, that was the one thing that really stuck out in my mind. Who would have thought that day was going to be the last time I saw my mom? I sure didn't.

I really don't think it ever gets easier as time passes when you lose someone so special to you. I think it just gets different. Your life changes. The way things used to be aren't the way they are now. It will never feel complete at family gatherings, and I guarentee I'm not the only one wishing Mom was here or thinking Mom would have said this..... I guess that's why God gave us the wonderful ability to adapt. If you don't adapt to the changes in your life or the things around are stuck behind and risk missing out on all the good things to come. But on days like this I really don't want to adapt. In fact, I want to go back to when my mom was still alive. I want to take my kids out to the farm and have her run out to greet them. I want to be able to call her with every little question I have about anything and everything or hear words of encouragement and hope. I want to see her kiss my girls on their necks like she always did, because that was her favorite place to kiss them.

Although I have all these wishes and wants that, undoubtably, won't happen, I do have 27 years I did have her around to celebrate. When I'm wondering why and getting angry and sad that she is gone it's a struggle to really look back and appreciate those years because they just seem to have been cut way too short.

Friday, January 28, 2011

Potty Training

It was finally time to take on potty training. Life had been so hectic that, although Libby had shown interest in potty training, the "right time" had not come along. First came the arrival of Jade and I just couldn't put in the time and attention that was needed for potty training with a new baby. Then came our move back to Nebraska, which could have been too stressful for her to handle along with potty training, and last came the holidays, which truthfully, I just didn't want to start until afterwards. So, for about a month prior to Christmas we started telling Libby that after Christmas she was going to be too big for diapers and we wouldn't have any that fit her. Our thinking was the more we talked about her wearing big girl panties, the easier the transition would be. So Christmas came and passed and when we got back home from "out West", we went straight to potty training just like we had talked about.
The first day didn't go well, but I really didn't have high expectations. I was pretty worried though because she would go potty in her underwear and it didn't even seem to bother her. Day two came and it was the same story...what was I going to do?!?! So day three came and I decided that she would go around worked. She didn't like that. By day four she had come leaps and bounds and we were on the right track.
Overall, the experience has been pretty smooth, but no one ever told me that potty training and poop training were two different tasks. Although she still has accidents with potty training, overall she is doing great. Now we just need to figure out poop. Not sure if it is scary or what the deal is, but she just doesn't want to go poop in the toilet and I'm tired of cleaning up poopy underwear....YUCK!


Wow...the last time I checked in we were in Kansas City enjoying a weekend with family and things were normal....boy did things change since then. I was still working at the attorney's office Monday-Thursday 9:00-2:30, while my kids were spending time at Melissa's, my daycare miracle. I call her that because I was so blessed to have found her to watch my kids. She is an amazing woman with 4 girls of her own and a husband that is a police officer...and he helped watch kids as well. Libby loved going to Melissa's house and Jade was just starting to show her personality. Brett was still working at J.E. Dunn and the girls were growing so fast. By September-October all that had changed.

Brett decided that working at J.E. Dunn was just not where he saw himself for the long-haul. Although a great company to work for, there was something missing. We knew someday we wanted to move back to Nebraska to raise our family, but truly didn't think it would happen so suddenly. We decided to put our house up for sale, move back to Nebraska and start a whole new life. So, we packed everything up and moved in with my dad and my brother John. We were so thankful to have a place to stay until we sold our house in Kansas City as there was no way were going to be able to pay our mortgage as well as the rent for another place. Moving back home was both exciting and nerve racking. I enjoyed my time there; however, I was anxious to get into my own place again so we could establish some sort of routine with the girls.

Brett started working for a trucking company. He was home everyday (no over-the-road) and always home on the weekend. He was in the process of discovering whether he wanted to be a "truck driver". This wasn't the first time he had talked about being a truck driver to me. I can recall a time or two when he mentioned it before we were even married, so I just told him I would support him in whatever he decided. Two weeks after starting the job they informed him they were shutting down numerous routes, his being one of them, and by the end of January his job would no longer exist. Truthfully, I was pissed...and scared. He left a great paying job (and company) with J.E. Dunn, we put our house up for sale, we moved all of our stuff and two kids back to Nebraska, and we were living at my parents' house....Really?....Are you kidding me? Needless to say, the job search was on, and as most people know, job searching is time consuming and no way you would like to spend your free time...or lack there of, as both girls seem to think they need his full attention. Brett found another job with Thompson Company as a truck driver. With the economy like it is, we knew he had to grab on to pretty much whatever job he could find, so when Thompson Company offered him a job working Monday-Friday he took it...not because he saw himself there forever, but because I wasn't working and he was now the sole provider. He had also discovered that "trucking" was just not the life he wanted to live. That was ok by me....I would just support him as he sole searched. It has been difficult at times, but I try to bite my tongue and just let him figure things out.

We sold our house after about six weeks and everything went smooth, thankfully. Although we lost money on it, it was a HUGE relief to not have to worry about it during the winter. As Brett and I headed to Kansas City to pack up the rest of our belongings, we reminisced about all we had accomplished during the time we lived in KC. We moved all of our stuff back to Nebraska the end of October and luckily we had come to an agreement with one of my brother's friends who owned a house in Aurora, NE. We would be renting his house and things seemed to be falling into place...better than I had imagined.

Poor Brett hated his job with Thompson Company, so after the holidays he decided to job search once again. Still not sure exactly what he wanted to do the rest of his life, he decided to apply with BNSF Railroad in Alliance, NE and at the new Ethanol Plant in Aurora, NE. Both jobs offered him a job and now we had a decision to make. The Railroad offered outstanding benefits and pay, while th Ehtanol Plant offered great benefits as well, but considerably less pay. After much debate, Brett ultimately decided that being able to spend time with his family was more important than money (I agreed), so he took the job at the Ethanol Plant. He is scheduled to start that job about mid-March so until then, he will be working at Thompson Company.