Thursday, March 24, 2011

Day at the Farm

Libby had been begging us to go to the Farm to see the cows...and "Papa and Uncle John". These two big guys are the bulls and Libby was so excited because she was able to pet them.

Libby and uncle John getting out of the cold wind with front row seats to all the baby calves. She would probably stay at the farm forever if we let her.

Thursday, March 17, 2011

Happy Birthday Grandma Annie

Some of the grandkids let off balloons for Grandma Annie's Birthday. It was quite comical. Michaela and I were worried that they would let go of the balloons before we got any pictures of them, but much to our surprise we couldn't get them to let go. I guess we should have given them to Jade (the youngest). Finally, they were released and the wind blew them away...right into the trees, but it was a very special moment for all.

The pinwheel was a hit with the kids. Cash used it to hit the balloons and Libby just kept taking it out of the ground.

Friday, March 11, 2011

Struggles Within

For as long as I can remember I have always been sure of one thing...I wanted to be a Mom. Not only a Mom, but a stay-at-home Mom. I was finally given that opportunity when we packed up and moved from Kansas City back to Nebraska last Fall. So why is it that after just 6 1/2 months of it, I'm thinking it's time to go back to work?

I have been struggling with these feelings now for about a month or so and I've tried to figure out what exactly is behind it all. Maybe it't because it's been cold and dreary (Winter) and I have been cooped up inside. Maybe it's the constant interaction with an almost 3 year old and an almost 1 year old, and the lack of interaction with adults. Or that my husband is worthless when he gets home because waking up at 2:00 and 3:00 am for work and returning at 5:00 or even 6:00 pm is starting to wear on him, but the job market just sucks. Or maybe it's the fact that I just can't stand to hear myself yell at my kids all day long....or at least what feels like all day long to me. Maybe it's all of those things together or maybe I don't have it figured out, but something has to change.

For the past month I have gone back and forth from wanting to stay at home, to wanting to return to work. Some days I would literally change the way I felt a hundred times. One thing is for sure. Being a stay-at-home mom is the by far the most challenging job I have encountered. And although there is no monetary exchange for all your hours and hard work, one thing can't be found at any other job.....precious, unforgettable time with my girls. And even after saying that, and truly feeling I can never get as much fullfillment in my life as time spent with my kids, I still think I want to return to work. Your guess is as good as mine.

Thursday, March 3, 2011

Remembering....February 2010

February 2010 was the last time I saw my mom. I was approximately 6 weeks from my due-date with Jade and we traveled to my brother and sister-in-law's house to spend some family time. Wish I would have known it was the last time I would see my mom....I would have taken pictures, but I didn't. I would have imbedded each and every comment and memory of that day in my mind...I would have hugged her harder and much much much longer.

I remember so many things about that day and I know I hugged her with my entire heart because I did that everytime I saw her. We all sat around and played a game, which took hours of course. I don't recall what the game was called, but it had something to do with writing down the first thing that came to mind. I remember we were supposed to write down what we would name our monster if we had one and my mom and I both wrote down the same thing. I can't recall 100%, but I am 99% sure that we both wrote down Harry. It's funny that out of everything that probably went on that day, that was the one thing that really stuck out in my mind. Who would have thought that day was going to be the last time I saw my mom? I sure didn't.

I really don't think it ever gets easier as time passes when you lose someone so special to you. I think it just gets different. Your life changes. The way things used to be aren't the way they are now. It will never feel complete at family gatherings, and I guarentee I'm not the only one wishing Mom was here or thinking Mom would have said this..... I guess that's why God gave us the wonderful ability to adapt. If you don't adapt to the changes in your life or the things around are stuck behind and risk missing out on all the good things to come. But on days like this I really don't want to adapt. In fact, I want to go back to when my mom was still alive. I want to take my kids out to the farm and have her run out to greet them. I want to be able to call her with every little question I have about anything and everything or hear words of encouragement and hope. I want to see her kiss my girls on their necks like she always did, because that was her favorite place to kiss them.

Although I have all these wishes and wants that, undoubtably, won't happen, I do have 27 years I did have her around to celebrate. When I'm wondering why and getting angry and sad that she is gone it's a struggle to really look back and appreciate those years because they just seem to have been cut way too short.